quandry deux

Complaining doesnt do a damned thing, but voicing my opinions tends to.

I love to help people, I love to give to them what they can not give to themselves because I am a firm believer that what I have is not my own but a gift from GOD to share with others. i give and dont ask for anything in return, just that they pass it to others when they are able to. the oddity of this is that when I myself need help, that I am left to the winds. i’ve prayed and sought understanding in my most recent episode of this and still its a blank canvas

am i simply to suffer more with no reprieve?

its never cascaded like this before, financially and physically and mentally all at once so my response has no bearing or basis or boundary right now and that completely irks me. im surrounded by pain on all sides and everyone is now just looking at me with blank expressions like…”hey dude, figure it out.” but when they needed help it 4 seconds ago it was “im so lost, just stay with me a while…”

its baffling.

i dont know how to handle it, so i’m in prayer and seeking. everyone wants but nobody wants to give, you know? i get overwhelmed with it at moments like this and want to just say “f*ck everybody” and live like a hermit. i want to be as selfish to understand this need to take and not give. I want to horde it all.

but then again i really dont. that must suck as an existence.

im just tired of needing when i need and not getting unless its “near death”. how does one face that truth without overwhelming needs to be angry or malicious? how does one face alone what others face in droves? Im not TRULY alone because there are always a dedicated few who stand with me

im seeking it through Christ and prayer and rest. today’s sermon at Household of Faith was a start, but all the pretty words in the world don’t change the situation at hand. Faith without works is DEAD… right?

I’m tired

of being so mentally responsible for everyone and what they believe. I am tired of having all these forms of social networking but lacking the ability to be truly personal on them anymore. tired of people taking everything from me and offering nothing in return. Tired of people who offer nothing.

ugh.

i want to be as irresponsible and truly lazy as most people but it is not within me. I am fatigued of people. i am fatigued with the inability with people to love.

i sat with Chirshon for a few hours discussing her past, the future, and Andy Warhol. I find myself at a loss for exactly WHAT to say or not to say anymore because I dont feel like typing for shit. I’ve been about the business of working and writing and being more visible amongst the masses that are photographers in Chicago. forcing myself to the forefront of peoples minds daily and trying to figure out along the say just why AI still do this art

so why do I?

I love it. I would die without it. I want to be the best that ever touched a camera. the effort wains on me and my soul just feels weaker and weaker, but then again you dont give a shit do you

ugh. damned mirror

me and the kids

Salsa night

In the salsa world there is a thing called perfection. I sat there watching these two souls intertwined and wined and dined and dancing with each other and I swear tht it was the most beautiful movement of people that I had ever seen dips and twirls, twirls and soft led collisions soothed nd mooved the bodies and hearts of the two people now encapsulated within the music.

It was beautiful

a video about natural hair and my response

hustle and bustle

ive been way too busy to blog, btu I have missed all of you
there is a new day forming with the brand, an entirely new picture of what I am trying to create here
a brand of all brands.
heh

get ready for me world, hurr i fiya!!!

hard realizations

its really hard to trust people
and then suddenly they dont want you to trust them
and suddenly i feel more alone than normal
ugh

pity party much?

quandry

being a being of giving leaves the being EMPTY

im currently working on the road and lonely and defeated somewhat, fighting for every inch that I can get. work is progressive but my personal life could not be more empty

I wonder why I do it more and more.

oh yeah, because I refuse to settle.

i refuse to be miserable

but life will keep trying to take me there regardless
this isnt a new fact
but i fight against your hatred with love
do what you can to try and take that from me
im going to smile and live regardless
because i have life
and that is simply all i need to love
all i need to give love to the world is THAT feeling
that knowing
that breath
knowing that I have all this
you want to be miserable so be miserable
just know its not happening to me
because i wont let it
i will love all of you inspite of what it trying to creep in
and consume
becuase I REFUSE to give in