quandry deux

Complaining doesnt do a damned thing, but voicing my opinions tends to.

I love to help people, I love to give to them what they can not give to themselves because I am a firm believer that what I have is not my own but a gift from GOD to share with others. i give and dont ask for anything in return, just that they pass it to others when they are able to. the oddity of this is that when I myself need help, that I am left to the winds. i’ve prayed and sought understanding in my most recent episode of this and still its a blank canvas

am i simply to suffer more with no reprieve?

its never cascaded like this before, financially and physically and mentally all at once so my response has no bearing or basis or boundary right now and that completely irks me. im surrounded by pain on all sides and everyone is now just looking at me with blank expressions like…”hey dude, figure it out.” but when they needed help it 4 seconds ago it was “im so lost, just stay with me a while…”

its baffling.

i dont know how to handle it, so i’m in prayer and seeking. everyone wants but nobody wants to give, you know? i get overwhelmed with it at moments like this and want to just say “f*ck everybody” and live like a hermit. i want to be as selfish to understand this need to take and not give. I want to horde it all.

but then again i really dont. that must suck as an existence.

im just tired of needing when i need and not getting unless its “near death”. how does one face that truth without overwhelming needs to be angry or malicious? how does one face alone what others face in droves? Im not TRULY alone because there are always a dedicated few who stand with me

im seeking it through Christ and prayer and rest. today’s sermon at Household of Faith was a start, but all the pretty words in the world don’t change the situation at hand. Faith without works is DEAD… right?


~ by evolutionvintage on August 30, 2009.

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